http://tammysayswhat.blogspot.com/
that's where i'm going to be blogging from now on. i'll keep this blog open for a few days then delete it, but all posts have been exported over there.....
i'll miss this old place. (lol...that's funny, right?)
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
he does love me.....!!!!!!
hi blog,
i got home from taking 2 of our kids for haircuts (getting ready for school stuff) and my poohead had a piece of paper on my laptop. i went to move it,it was a scrap of a something and he says 'look at it' and he's pointing to it.
i looked at it and from what i was able to decipher from his chicken scratch handwriting - he rescheduled his MRI!!!!!!!! I knew he loved me...deep down inside and in betweeen the texts that say "i don't hate you i just disagree with you 50% of the time" - he loves me!!!!!
but we will keep that other thing between us.. ;o)
i got home from taking 2 of our kids for haircuts (getting ready for school stuff) and my poohead had a piece of paper on my laptop. i went to move it,it was a scrap of a something and he says 'look at it' and he's pointing to it.
i looked at it and from what i was able to decipher from his chicken scratch handwriting - he rescheduled his MRI!!!!!!!! I knew he loved me...deep down inside and in betweeen the texts that say "i don't hate you i just disagree with you 50% of the time" - he loves me!!!!!
but we will keep that other thing between us.. ;o)
Monday, August 2, 2010
i lost a blog
hey blog,
i'm sorry but i seemed to have lost a post or two. i could've sworn i came on here and on two separate days made two separate blogs. but they're not here. to be quite honest i'm not concerned enough to go looking around for them either. but i needed something to start off talking about.
i made fried green tomatoes tonight. mmmmmyummy!! i didn't have seasonings so i used old bay. great choice!! i've got this forearm sized zucchini i thought about giving the green tomato treatment to so we'll see. but yeah, definitely try the old bay (in with the corn meal/bread crumb mix). never thought about it but i could have used some frank's red hot mixed in with the egg/milk (a'la fried chicken). hmmm...next time. gotta remember to save some tomatoes for spaghetti sauce though, too.
so you might be asking why am i awake at 1:01am. or not. i just finished my final exam for short stories. great class. if i wasn't forced to read some of this stuff, i'd never read it so i'm pretty glad for that. there are some amazing author's out there - i'd definitely recommend getting out of your comfort zone. i was pretty worried when i saw the "F" on my grades this evening. i get pretty good grades and to see that was startling to say the least. well, i back tracked and figured out that even though i read the stories, had my daughter bring her laptop with us on vacation - i never actually got online and did the assignments (which consisted of an essay, a 2 question quiz and discussion board comments). UGH! my fault - good intentions and all - but vacation was too much fun...screw homework. so we'll see how it affects my grade.
needless to say the freaken dog is still here. grrrrr....i am really reaching the point that i will get a shovel and i will hit her in the head with it. her behavior is just...just...fucked up. P says it wouldn't be fair to bring her to the pound because who knows what they'd do with her once they find out how mentally defective she is. that's not my problem (lol)
P had an MRI scheduled for today and when i ask "how did it go" he says the lady called last week and i rescheduled it. ummm...hello! mcfly??! (back to the future reference)...what. the fuck. this conversation took place out in the garden so as i'm walking in the house with a look of utter disbelief on my face i said something (can't remember what now) and i followed that with "that was sarcastic" and he had the audacity to remark. what. the fuck. the MRI is for his eye (and face) twitching and now i have to be a DB and nag him to reschedule. what. the. fuck. that's all i can say. who friggen does this??? and on top of that...what kind of husband RESCHEDULES and does NOT tell his wife about it??? wife = partner = helpmate, etc etc etc and honest to god he wonders why i take off and hide in the cemetary. for real. this brings me back to that blog about "updating conversations". GAH!!!
so in the meantime i find that in looking for an artists work i come across a naked picture of him and i'm looking at it. like....really looking at it. and enjoying it. that's bad, i know. wandering minds and all that BS. i quickly (in a sort of slow manner) turned the webpage. no no no no no no pee pees that don't belong to me. it just so happens that i don't want the one that belongs to me right now. two reasons - the lack of updating conversations and the way - after promises - my love nest, my den of burning desires, my zone of flesh on fire, has turned into a storage unit....again. yep - again. i brought it up tonight but then let it go. as it stands now we're homeless so i won't go into any home repair/remodeling nag/rants etc - but as soon as we're not homeless...my den of lusty hotness is mine again. dammit.
last night i was so thankful that i didn't throw away all those meds that i gave up. i won't go into details but my life has been an utter hell the last few days. not only could i not sleep (cuz of needing the potty 14 times in one night...again) i was in pain. then..when it let up, and i could lay down to take a small nap cuz i was up for two days straight shitting my brains out, no one will let me take a nap. S has a problem with this and T has a problem wtih that - and all problems, of course, are my fault and J is just oblivious and Sh is a 5 yr old with the mouth of a 16 yr old and when i go to hide in my hiding place (under the Downer family) who flippin' finds me...? yeah - P. in MY cemetery. and where i was he really had to look. i was wearing a white tshirt so maybe it wasn't that hard but i took off without telling a soul where i went. so now what do i do with no hiding place?
i'm sure this post sounds like a whoa is me and whine whine cry cry - but it's not. just a vent. not even that really...just a...release, shall we say.
T and i starting this experiment (now i wonder if she ate it today?) - i read a study that says eating cinnamon will lower LDL and triglycerides, and blood sugars and all that so i said wouldn't it be cool if T and I did it so when we go back to the endo in 3 months we can see if it worked? and on top of that - i don't have a colon - so how cool would it be to see if not it worked (on T) but worked on T and not on me cuz of the missing hooha? but she spent the day with her friend riding bikes and such and i don't know if she ate it. now i don't even know if i ate it. too late now.
i can tell my double shot of "o" is kicking in so i'm gonna bail before i start looking for those things that shouldn't be looked at if they don't belong to me again. hehe
nitey nite
i'm sorry but i seemed to have lost a post or two. i could've sworn i came on here and on two separate days made two separate blogs. but they're not here. to be quite honest i'm not concerned enough to go looking around for them either. but i needed something to start off talking about.
i made fried green tomatoes tonight. mmmmmyummy!! i didn't have seasonings so i used old bay. great choice!! i've got this forearm sized zucchini i thought about giving the green tomato treatment to so we'll see. but yeah, definitely try the old bay (in with the corn meal/bread crumb mix). never thought about it but i could have used some frank's red hot mixed in with the egg/milk (a'la fried chicken). hmmm...next time. gotta remember to save some tomatoes for spaghetti sauce though, too.
so you might be asking why am i awake at 1:01am. or not. i just finished my final exam for short stories. great class. if i wasn't forced to read some of this stuff, i'd never read it so i'm pretty glad for that. there are some amazing author's out there - i'd definitely recommend getting out of your comfort zone. i was pretty worried when i saw the "F" on my grades this evening. i get pretty good grades and to see that was startling to say the least. well, i back tracked and figured out that even though i read the stories, had my daughter bring her laptop with us on vacation - i never actually got online and did the assignments (which consisted of an essay, a 2 question quiz and discussion board comments). UGH! my fault - good intentions and all - but vacation was too much fun...screw homework. so we'll see how it affects my grade.
needless to say the freaken dog is still here. grrrrr....i am really reaching the point that i will get a shovel and i will hit her in the head with it. her behavior is just...just...fucked up. P says it wouldn't be fair to bring her to the pound because who knows what they'd do with her once they find out how mentally defective she is. that's not my problem (lol)
P had an MRI scheduled for today and when i ask "how did it go" he says the lady called last week and i rescheduled it. ummm...hello! mcfly??! (back to the future reference)...what. the fuck. this conversation took place out in the garden so as i'm walking in the house with a look of utter disbelief on my face i said something (can't remember what now) and i followed that with "that was sarcastic" and he had the audacity to remark. what. the fuck. the MRI is for his eye (and face) twitching and now i have to be a DB and nag him to reschedule. what. the. fuck. that's all i can say. who friggen does this??? and on top of that...what kind of husband RESCHEDULES and does NOT tell his wife about it??? wife = partner = helpmate, etc etc etc and honest to god he wonders why i take off and hide in the cemetary. for real. this brings me back to that blog about "updating conversations". GAH!!!
so in the meantime i find that in looking for an artists work i come across a naked picture of him and i'm looking at it. like....really looking at it. and enjoying it. that's bad, i know. wandering minds and all that BS. i quickly (in a sort of slow manner) turned the webpage. no no no no no no pee pees that don't belong to me. it just so happens that i don't want the one that belongs to me right now. two reasons - the lack of updating conversations and the way - after promises - my love nest, my den of burning desires, my zone of flesh on fire, has turned into a storage unit....again. yep - again. i brought it up tonight but then let it go. as it stands now we're homeless so i won't go into any home repair/remodeling nag/rants etc - but as soon as we're not homeless...my den of lusty hotness is mine again. dammit.
last night i was so thankful that i didn't throw away all those meds that i gave up. i won't go into details but my life has been an utter hell the last few days. not only could i not sleep (cuz of needing the potty 14 times in one night...again) i was in pain. then..when it let up, and i could lay down to take a small nap cuz i was up for two days straight shitting my brains out, no one will let me take a nap. S has a problem with this and T has a problem wtih that - and all problems, of course, are my fault and J is just oblivious and Sh is a 5 yr old with the mouth of a 16 yr old and when i go to hide in my hiding place (under the Downer family) who flippin' finds me...? yeah - P. in MY cemetery. and where i was he really had to look. i was wearing a white tshirt so maybe it wasn't that hard but i took off without telling a soul where i went. so now what do i do with no hiding place?
i'm sure this post sounds like a whoa is me and whine whine cry cry - but it's not. just a vent. not even that really...just a...release, shall we say.
T and i starting this experiment (now i wonder if she ate it today?) - i read a study that says eating cinnamon will lower LDL and triglycerides, and blood sugars and all that so i said wouldn't it be cool if T and I did it so when we go back to the endo in 3 months we can see if it worked? and on top of that - i don't have a colon - so how cool would it be to see if not it worked (on T) but worked on T and not on me cuz of the missing hooha? but she spent the day with her friend riding bikes and such and i don't know if she ate it. now i don't even know if i ate it. too late now.
i can tell my double shot of "o" is kicking in so i'm gonna bail before i start looking for those things that shouldn't be looked at if they don't belong to me again. hehe
nitey nite
Thursday, July 29, 2010
updating conversations
hi blog, i'm so tired. physically tired and mentally exhausted. frustrated is a good word. as is autopilot.
i wonder if men, who don't take talking as serious as they should, understand how many misunderstandings and/or arguments could be NOT had if they would just UPDATE a previous conversation. and...i could end up looking like less of an ass because i make plans based on PREVIOUS conversations.
like - maybe tell me you made a phone call and that you'll be working tomorrow instead of having the leisure day i thought you were gonna have. and - telling me about the change of plans like it should be common knowledge and i'm a fkn idiot for not knowing better. cuz yeah - i can read minds again.
gah!!
my bumper sticker got stolen. it's a magnetic bumpersticker so you can imagine how easily it could be removed from my truck. it was a bumper sticker about pooping. it was really funny cuz i'm the queen of pooping. i mean, no one else would know that - it'd just be a stupid bumper sticker about poop. but who takes bumper stickers off of people's cars? that's just really subversive.
P, shane and i had a really good day today (if you don't cound the assenine conversation earlier this evening. we spent the day, traveling a few times, to the town park. they put some benches and swings overlooking the creek and it's all shaded and it was sooooo beautiful. P and shane searched for frogs and fishies, i read my book and saved a frog from shane's clutches once (she wanted to take it home...again). it was nice. really nice. it's definitely on our list of things to do list!!!
i weened myself off my meds - cold turkey is best but i'm just about off everything but the HBP, hot flash preventer and opium. i'm happy with that. when you go to bed and the palm of your hand is full of different color and shaped pills for everything and anything - that's not good. it's also not good when your hubby says he can tell when you've taken your meds because you're slurring words. so bye bye. eh...nothing really worked anyways - just made me not really care that i pooped 12 times a day instead of fixing the problem. and the only thing that fixes that problem is not eating. which i can do for a day but after that i'm making up for the day i didn't eat and it makes the bathroom worse and what the hell am i talking about this for? i sound like my sister whining and boo hooing. jeez!!
unfortunately tomorrow i have to rid the family of the dog and a cat. we've tried making it a family discussion/vote type thing but the children only see cute kitty and fun puppy....not the bad behavior. both the animals are using the house as their litter box/poopy place and that is not tolerable. the dog was housetrained before we went on vacation and now she'll look right at you and take a dump on the floor. i talked to the vet to find out if that's a normal thing after spending a week in the kennel and he said maybe for the first day but after that - no. molly, the cat, has started peeing on the floor too. i scoop the cat boxes daily so it can't be that. she even peed on the floor about 4 feet from the cat boxes. wth? this was going on well before vacation...caught her 3 times now. who knows how many times it's gone on when i haven't caught her. so now i have to be the bad guy....
so...that's updated autopilot. i'm tired. i'm going to bed. but i'll be up in 2 hours cuz...well, my hand is near empty. ;o)
i wonder if men, who don't take talking as serious as they should, understand how many misunderstandings and/or arguments could be NOT had if they would just UPDATE a previous conversation. and...i could end up looking like less of an ass because i make plans based on PREVIOUS conversations.
like - maybe tell me you made a phone call and that you'll be working tomorrow instead of having the leisure day i thought you were gonna have. and - telling me about the change of plans like it should be common knowledge and i'm a fkn idiot for not knowing better. cuz yeah - i can read minds again.
gah!!
my bumper sticker got stolen. it's a magnetic bumpersticker so you can imagine how easily it could be removed from my truck. it was a bumper sticker about pooping. it was really funny cuz i'm the queen of pooping. i mean, no one else would know that - it'd just be a stupid bumper sticker about poop. but who takes bumper stickers off of people's cars? that's just really subversive.
P, shane and i had a really good day today (if you don't cound the assenine conversation earlier this evening. we spent the day, traveling a few times, to the town park. they put some benches and swings overlooking the creek and it's all shaded and it was sooooo beautiful. P and shane searched for frogs and fishies, i read my book and saved a frog from shane's clutches once (she wanted to take it home...again). it was nice. really nice. it's definitely on our list of things to do list!!!
i weened myself off my meds - cold turkey is best but i'm just about off everything but the HBP, hot flash preventer and opium. i'm happy with that. when you go to bed and the palm of your hand is full of different color and shaped pills for everything and anything - that's not good. it's also not good when your hubby says he can tell when you've taken your meds because you're slurring words. so bye bye. eh...nothing really worked anyways - just made me not really care that i pooped 12 times a day instead of fixing the problem. and the only thing that fixes that problem is not eating. which i can do for a day but after that i'm making up for the day i didn't eat and it makes the bathroom worse and what the hell am i talking about this for? i sound like my sister whining and boo hooing. jeez!!
unfortunately tomorrow i have to rid the family of the dog and a cat. we've tried making it a family discussion/vote type thing but the children only see cute kitty and fun puppy....not the bad behavior. both the animals are using the house as their litter box/poopy place and that is not tolerable. the dog was housetrained before we went on vacation and now she'll look right at you and take a dump on the floor. i talked to the vet to find out if that's a normal thing after spending a week in the kennel and he said maybe for the first day but after that - no. molly, the cat, has started peeing on the floor too. i scoop the cat boxes daily so it can't be that. she even peed on the floor about 4 feet from the cat boxes. wth? this was going on well before vacation...caught her 3 times now. who knows how many times it's gone on when i haven't caught her. so now i have to be the bad guy....
so...that's updated autopilot. i'm tired. i'm going to bed. but i'll be up in 2 hours cuz...well, my hand is near empty. ;o)
Friday, July 9, 2010
who is that old lady in the mirror?
hi blog,
i was wondering something - how do you make friends with and accept the old lady you see in the mirror?
:o)
i was wondering something - how do you make friends with and accept the old lady you see in the mirror?
:o)
Monday, June 21, 2010
how do you enjoy it? and being carless
dear blog,
i'm doing some work at my daugther's boss's sister's house (that is soooo punctually wrong). they own 50 acres and have a gorgeous 3bedroom 3bathroom home. when i take a lunch break - i sit on their front porch and just sit. i listen to the birds, the horses, the doggy barking or one of two of the kittens chasing butterflies. i've been at the house for two weeks...this is my third week and i'll be done and i won't be going back. today at lunch i thought how much i'd miss it. the front porch and all.
it made me think though. here i was...enjoying this gorgeous layout, thinking maybe THIS is what i want when we retire and the homeowners are no where to be found. like i said, this is my third week there. i've talked to the homeowner maybe twice. three times tops....they're not around. ever.
i guess i wonder how they can possibly enjoy that beautiful property and home when they're never home. they've obviously worked really hard -you don't get that for sitting on your crackle. but why work so hard for soemthing you can't enjoy? the wife told me,t oo, that wasn't their forever home and that when the kids are gone they're selling. maybe for the equity? i don't know. seems a waste.
anyway, so i'm carless. we bought this yukon and the seller kept a little secret from us. something that when you're under the truck checking out stuff you never really look at. some lower control arm is about rusted right in half. i'm pissed to say the least. i don't like not having a car. i don't like thinking for once i'm fixin' on getting ahead and i'm not because now i have this huge car repair bill. the kid actually had the balls to call pete today to see where his license plates are. ooops. i knew i forgot something. pete told him that he was sure his wife sent them out and that he'd check the truck as soon as it was back from the garage. the guy didn't say a word. ass. grrr...
time to go -
i'm doing some work at my daugther's boss's sister's house (that is soooo punctually wrong). they own 50 acres and have a gorgeous 3bedroom 3bathroom home. when i take a lunch break - i sit on their front porch and just sit. i listen to the birds, the horses, the doggy barking or one of two of the kittens chasing butterflies. i've been at the house for two weeks...this is my third week and i'll be done and i won't be going back. today at lunch i thought how much i'd miss it. the front porch and all.
it made me think though. here i was...enjoying this gorgeous layout, thinking maybe THIS is what i want when we retire and the homeowners are no where to be found. like i said, this is my third week there. i've talked to the homeowner maybe twice. three times tops....they're not around. ever.
i guess i wonder how they can possibly enjoy that beautiful property and home when they're never home. they've obviously worked really hard -you don't get that for sitting on your crackle. but why work so hard for soemthing you can't enjoy? the wife told me,t oo, that wasn't their forever home and that when the kids are gone they're selling. maybe for the equity? i don't know. seems a waste.
anyway, so i'm carless. we bought this yukon and the seller kept a little secret from us. something that when you're under the truck checking out stuff you never really look at. some lower control arm is about rusted right in half. i'm pissed to say the least. i don't like not having a car. i don't like thinking for once i'm fixin' on getting ahead and i'm not because now i have this huge car repair bill. the kid actually had the balls to call pete today to see where his license plates are. ooops. i knew i forgot something. pete told him that he was sure his wife sent them out and that he'd check the truck as soon as it was back from the garage. the guy didn't say a word. ass. grrr...
time to go -
Sunday, June 6, 2010
sniper troopers
hey blog!
yesterday was a long day - we were to look at two trucks (new to me). for some silly reason no one in our area was selling a truck under $2,000 (one that will seat all 6 of us) so we had to go out of our state...all the way to MA (that's funny cuz MA is just right over there..lol) but anyway, we're on our way to springfield MA to check out this truck. we stop at the toll booth to get our ticket and this sniper cop comes around the booth building and says, in a really dicky authoritative voice that really doesn't work on me and always ends up with me sassing off, PULL OVER NOW PLEASE!! what the f....
it's friggin' hotter than a $2 whore, no a/c in the truck and i've got 3 kids sweaty and hot kids and cranky hubby and i'm not fun when i'm hot and mr trooper guy demands my license and registration. it was kinda funny because it was so hot that the registration card was stuck to pleather binder in the glove box...but not funny at all cuz i'm like "dude...what the frick?" my truck is legal, i wasn't speeding, we're all wearing our seatbelts...what. the.
you know what he had me pull over for? my shoulder strap was not over my shoulder. i was buckled in...i always buckle but i never if ever put the strap over my shoulder. it's not the first ticket i've gotten for the "offense" and it won't be my last. but to be sniper-copped at a toll booth on a really hot and humid day of driving all over East Bumshit looking for a truck...that's just messed up.
i wasn't disrespectful to the cop but i did do the eye roll thing and ask "for real?" he takes my info and comes back 10 minutes later (does it really take THAT long to print out a ticket?) and apologizes to me for giving me a ticket and that it's "clickit or ticket" week and blah blah. listen dude cop guy - i've been pulled over before because a cop didn't see my shoulder belt and they left the side of my car WITHOUT giving me a ticket. i've passed cops going 45mph in a 30mph zone and they never even looked at me (and it's not like you could miss me in my tank). i've been pulled over because my truck is loud and they liked my "i'm only speeding because i have to poop" bumper sticker (for real..ask hubby) and i never got a ticket. so for him to apologize for giving me a ticket when i KNOW it's at his discretion to do so is like putting a gun to my head and telling me "you have mosquito in your hair". (ok, that was a messed up analogy). but you know what i mean?
and....giving me a ticket doesn't make me run home with my tail between my legs. when i go to school tomorrow, i will be buckled but with no shoulder strap. when i drop the kids off at work, i will be buckled but with no shoulder strap. the shoulder strap annoys my boobs...really bad. the strap either rides up and chokes the living shit out of me or it gets stuck under my boob and just looks really ridiculous. so i won't do it.
and exactly what is a "living shit"? that's a funny term, right there.
so thanks mr sniper trooper man - thanks for the ticket. no really, i understand that the 18 yr old shoulder strap in my truck that doesn't catch when i stop fast can't save my life if i don't wear it but ...umm...other than the belt portion latching, the shoulder belt (in my truck) is just something pretty look at...and to annoy my boobs. it wouldn't save my big block head from hitting the windshield anyway. you'll get my check in mail.
yesterday was a long day - we were to look at two trucks (new to me). for some silly reason no one in our area was selling a truck under $2,000 (one that will seat all 6 of us) so we had to go out of our state...all the way to MA (that's funny cuz MA is just right over there..lol) but anyway, we're on our way to springfield MA to check out this truck. we stop at the toll booth to get our ticket and this sniper cop comes around the booth building and says, in a really dicky authoritative voice that really doesn't work on me and always ends up with me sassing off, PULL OVER NOW PLEASE!! what the f....
it's friggin' hotter than a $2 whore, no a/c in the truck and i've got 3 kids sweaty and hot kids and cranky hubby and i'm not fun when i'm hot and mr trooper guy demands my license and registration. it was kinda funny because it was so hot that the registration card was stuck to pleather binder in the glove box...but not funny at all cuz i'm like "dude...what the frick?" my truck is legal, i wasn't speeding, we're all wearing our seatbelts...what. the.
you know what he had me pull over for? my shoulder strap was not over my shoulder. i was buckled in...i always buckle but i never if ever put the strap over my shoulder. it's not the first ticket i've gotten for the "offense" and it won't be my last. but to be sniper-copped at a toll booth on a really hot and humid day of driving all over East Bumshit looking for a truck...that's just messed up.
i wasn't disrespectful to the cop but i did do the eye roll thing and ask "for real?" he takes my info and comes back 10 minutes later (does it really take THAT long to print out a ticket?) and apologizes to me for giving me a ticket and that it's "clickit or ticket" week and blah blah. listen dude cop guy - i've been pulled over before because a cop didn't see my shoulder belt and they left the side of my car WITHOUT giving me a ticket. i've passed cops going 45mph in a 30mph zone and they never even looked at me (and it's not like you could miss me in my tank). i've been pulled over because my truck is loud and they liked my "i'm only speeding because i have to poop" bumper sticker (for real..ask hubby) and i never got a ticket. so for him to apologize for giving me a ticket when i KNOW it's at his discretion to do so is like putting a gun to my head and telling me "you have mosquito in your hair". (ok, that was a messed up analogy). but you know what i mean?
and....giving me a ticket doesn't make me run home with my tail between my legs. when i go to school tomorrow, i will be buckled but with no shoulder strap. when i drop the kids off at work, i will be buckled but with no shoulder strap. the shoulder strap annoys my boobs...really bad. the strap either rides up and chokes the living shit out of me or it gets stuck under my boob and just looks really ridiculous. so i won't do it.
and exactly what is a "living shit"? that's a funny term, right there.
so thanks mr sniper trooper man - thanks for the ticket. no really, i understand that the 18 yr old shoulder strap in my truck that doesn't catch when i stop fast can't save my life if i don't wear it but ...umm...other than the belt portion latching, the shoulder belt (in my truck) is just something pretty look at...and to annoy my boobs. it wouldn't save my big block head from hitting the windshield anyway. you'll get my check in mail.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
thanks unemployment insurance....
thanks for friggin' nothing!!
dear blog,
i've missed you blog. i need you more than you know - i can't punch walls because i'm the one who has to repair sheet rock (lol)
when my hubby got laid off in november 2009 he filed for unemployment.
to make a short story long - he filed for unemployment and got denied. the employer (a corporate guy whose never met hubby) made it sound like my hubby was a criminal by saying he "violated code of conduct and ethics" bullshit! (what he did wrong was install the hardwood flooring he sold to a customer and she was so happy with his work she told the corporate office. bad idea. the bosses knew he did floors. he was doing it before he got the job there and two different assistant managers even helped him on several occasions but the company hired a contractor to work directly with the stores and hubby was undercutting the contractor. not on purpose - just because he has no overhead costs) so thanks for the nice compliment lady person, but......
well... we got the denial letter from the dept of labor stating you can't collect unemployment when you do something to get yourself fired. ummm...what?? yeah, we're all in a state of confusion now. too innocent for our own good i guess. per the instructions on the back of the letter we requested an appeal hearing...if only to make sure people didn't think hubby was some criminal, ya know? we kept going online to the "certify for benefits" page every week...but then when we got the denial letter - we stopped. who files for benefits when the dept of labor denies you? insert stupidity here...err...i mean innocence. well, like i said, we filed for an appeal and got one...six months later. yeah, you read that right - six months later. that's also six months of NOT certifying for claims/benefits.
so hubby and his ex-boss (the store manager hubby worked with) go to the appeal hearing and the judge sided with hubby. yaaaaay!! she said it was not right that he was fired because he was never given any kind of warning he'd be fired if he installed floors. they just BOOM!! fired him on one ladies raving compliment... (and this side job is something he's been doing for 14 years - before and during his employment there).
so now we're thinking, and we were told, that we'd get back (retroactive) pay for the six months he was unemployment but received no benefits. wow...that's so awesome!!! hubbies not working, we have hospital bills going on our credit report cuz we can't pay them, had to cancel cable and the ymca and cut out all kinds of things to keep from drowning and we're gonna get a retroactive unemployment check...???!!??! wrong. oh, so wrong. and it's wrong because of MY doing. if we had been going on the webpage and certifying for benefits the whole time, the whole six months...from denial letter to appeal hearing, we'd have gotten a check for nearly $7,000 (after taxes) but because we didn't - we got a check for $650. i have screwed us over...by my own hands. :o( :::::sigh:::::
it really sucks. i found out that we can write a letter requesting credit that we certify for, so i did...but nothing's guaranteed. and it's probalby just a formality thing - the friggen letter even said (after i found it and actually thoroughly read it this time) that you have to continue to certify to protect your benefits. just makes me feel like we can win for winning..and losing.
on a good note though, we were able to use the $600 to buy me a new (old) truck. and inside this $1,500 GMC, i found a $600 watch...that'll probalby send back cuz i'd be pissed if i left that watch in a stupid old truck and sold it.
thanks blog. i love you!! i'm going to bed now - i fell asleep putting our little one to bed and woke up at midnight...now i'll never get back to sleep and i need to make a flower birthday cake for the birthday boy's (aka hubby) birthday tomorrow.
dear blog,
i've missed you blog. i need you more than you know - i can't punch walls because i'm the one who has to repair sheet rock (lol)
when my hubby got laid off in november 2009 he filed for unemployment.
to make a short story long - he filed for unemployment and got denied. the employer (a corporate guy whose never met hubby) made it sound like my hubby was a criminal by saying he "violated code of conduct and ethics" bullshit! (what he did wrong was install the hardwood flooring he sold to a customer and she was so happy with his work she told the corporate office. bad idea. the bosses knew he did floors. he was doing it before he got the job there and two different assistant managers even helped him on several occasions but the company hired a contractor to work directly with the stores and hubby was undercutting the contractor. not on purpose - just because he has no overhead costs) so thanks for the nice compliment lady person, but......
well... we got the denial letter from the dept of labor stating you can't collect unemployment when you do something to get yourself fired. ummm...what?? yeah, we're all in a state of confusion now. too innocent for our own good i guess. per the instructions on the back of the letter we requested an appeal hearing...if only to make sure people didn't think hubby was some criminal, ya know? we kept going online to the "certify for benefits" page every week...but then when we got the denial letter - we stopped. who files for benefits when the dept of labor denies you? insert stupidity here...err...i mean innocence. well, like i said, we filed for an appeal and got one...six months later. yeah, you read that right - six months later. that's also six months of NOT certifying for claims/benefits.
so hubby and his ex-boss (the store manager hubby worked with) go to the appeal hearing and the judge sided with hubby. yaaaaay!! she said it was not right that he was fired because he was never given any kind of warning he'd be fired if he installed floors. they just BOOM!! fired him on one ladies raving compliment... (and this side job is something he's been doing for 14 years - before and during his employment there).
so now we're thinking, and we were told, that we'd get back (retroactive) pay for the six months he was unemployment but received no benefits. wow...that's so awesome!!! hubbies not working, we have hospital bills going on our credit report cuz we can't pay them, had to cancel cable and the ymca and cut out all kinds of things to keep from drowning and we're gonna get a retroactive unemployment check...???!!??! wrong. oh, so wrong. and it's wrong because of MY doing. if we had been going on the webpage and certifying for benefits the whole time, the whole six months...from denial letter to appeal hearing, we'd have gotten a check for nearly $7,000 (after taxes) but because we didn't - we got a check for $650. i have screwed us over...by my own hands. :o( :::::sigh:::::
it really sucks. i found out that we can write a letter requesting credit that we certify for, so i did...but nothing's guaranteed. and it's probalby just a formality thing - the friggen letter even said (after i found it and actually thoroughly read it this time) that you have to continue to certify to protect your benefits. just makes me feel like we can win for winning..and losing.
on a good note though, we were able to use the $600 to buy me a new (old) truck. and inside this $1,500 GMC, i found a $600 watch...that'll probalby send back cuz i'd be pissed if i left that watch in a stupid old truck and sold it.
thanks blog. i love you!! i'm going to bed now - i fell asleep putting our little one to bed and woke up at midnight...now i'll never get back to sleep and i need to make a flower birthday cake for the birthday boy's (aka hubby) birthday tomorrow.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
wrong can't be undone
dear blog,
as you may or may not know, i listen to the radio a lot. music - not talk shows, weather on the 9s or morning rush programming. i also can't stand rap music and new country crap. i hear a lot of songs, a lot of lyrics, a lot of people's hearts in those lyrics and things will often jump out at me. like...my heart. in those lyrics (how do they do that, by the way?).
some lyrics are really good. you know someone had to have felt like putting a gun to their head when they wrote that. you can't fake that. some lyrics are also quite crappy. we don't listen to crap.
driving home from my oldest daughter's college stuff this morning with my hubby and daughter - kenny wayne sheppard band's blue on back came on the radio and i'm singing along pretending i'm janis joplin meets melissa etheridge and the line "wrong can't be undone" punches me in the face. what the frick? it put a blip in my singing, but i carried on. the song is most likely about KWS losing his woman and how nothing in the world will change it.
but...for me...
wrongs can't be undone. yes, that's right? you can beg for forgiveness... and receive it. if it makes you feel better, makes you sleep at night, pray to your god, light your candles, meditate, cast your spells or have jesus christ himself come down and forgive you for your wrongs but know they can't be undone. period. name the wrong - from lying to stealing to breaking trust to cheating to child abuse and domestic violence to adultery to whatever. once it's done...it's done. it's over johnny! you can't undo it. yeah, i forgive you (but it doesn't change a thing). minds can be made to forget (but something always brings it back) and hearts can be made to heal (but there's always a crack) and bones can be mended (but there's always a scar).
moral of the story: don't do bad stuff. wrongs can't be undone. don't be that person who broke his/her heart, or stole her rent money, or told lies, or broke your kids arm. just don't. the broken heart you save might just be your own.
as you may or may not know, i listen to the radio a lot. music - not talk shows, weather on the 9s or morning rush programming. i also can't stand rap music and new country crap. i hear a lot of songs, a lot of lyrics, a lot of people's hearts in those lyrics and things will often jump out at me. like...my heart. in those lyrics (how do they do that, by the way?).
some lyrics are really good. you know someone had to have felt like putting a gun to their head when they wrote that. you can't fake that. some lyrics are also quite crappy. we don't listen to crap.
driving home from my oldest daughter's college stuff this morning with my hubby and daughter - kenny wayne sheppard band's blue on back came on the radio and i'm singing along pretending i'm janis joplin meets melissa etheridge and the line "wrong can't be undone" punches me in the face. what the frick? it put a blip in my singing, but i carried on. the song is most likely about KWS losing his woman and how nothing in the world will change it.
but...for me...
wrongs can't be undone. yes, that's right? you can beg for forgiveness... and receive it. if it makes you feel better, makes you sleep at night, pray to your god, light your candles, meditate, cast your spells or have jesus christ himself come down and forgive you for your wrongs but know they can't be undone. period. name the wrong - from lying to stealing to breaking trust to cheating to child abuse and domestic violence to adultery to whatever. once it's done...it's done. it's over johnny! you can't undo it. yeah, i forgive you (but it doesn't change a thing). minds can be made to forget (but something always brings it back) and hearts can be made to heal (but there's always a crack) and bones can be mended (but there's always a scar).
moral of the story: don't do bad stuff. wrongs can't be undone. don't be that person who broke his/her heart, or stole her rent money, or told lies, or broke your kids arm. just don't. the broken heart you save might just be your own.
Monday, May 24, 2010
do you want to look like a scumbag?
dear blog,
i've never been one to really care what other people think about/of me. i'm not a bad person and i try to be helpful to people when i can. but in the same breath, i don't do things that are against "me" or my beliefs just to make someone like me. i'm not always the most popular person in the room because of it but at the end of the day - i can look in the mirror when i'm brushing my teeth and i can sleep at night (if i could sleep, i'd be sleeping).
my hubby makes stuff. he brings wood home and makes things. sometimes it's cool stuff - like our headboard that is made out of a church door or the adirondack chairs he makes out of recycled wood. sometimes, eh..not so much. of course i tell him if i like it or not..he always calls me a pain in the ass but he knows i'll tell him the truth. recently, he made this little corner fence for the corner of our property. like a little 2 ft long picket fence. he enjoyed making it and him and our littlest girl painted it. they had a really good time...especially when little pup made daddy where a frilly, ruffly apron to paint (i had little one wear her apron so she wouldn't get paint on her clothes). if i had to choose between keeping the fence up or taking it down....i'd probably take it down. i'm not a fan of it. but i know he liked making it and seeing him and #4 paint it was priceless. so there that little handmade corner picket fence sits.
i remember being at sears one day looking at clothes. at the time #4 was in between being in the little girl clothes and big-little girl clothes. i'm meandering around and i hear this little girl ask her mom if she can have this dress. mom says "no!! do you want to look like a scum bag?!" i couldn't see the little girl, but i can only assume she put the dress down because i didn't hear either one of them again. i actually have a sister in law who has that same attitude. it's sad to me that she's raising my nieces and nephew to think you're a better person if you wear nice clothes and have expensive toys (like the 4 year old having a $169 nintendo DS).
now, i know clothes and little picket fences aren't the same thing but i'm thinking....whose to say what is scum baggy? am i scum bag because hubby put his homemade picket fence on the corner? apparently in some circles i am. apparently, because i didn't spend $200 for handmade, one of a kind corner picket fence...i am less than_____.
sitting here, on break at school, i can tell you that besides me having a bad attitude and doing things because i want to and not caring what other people think - i am less scum bag than that lady is for not letting her little girl buy the dress she wanted. i made my hubby and my little girl happy because i smiled and told them their fence looked awesome! i am happy because they are happy.
i've never been one to really care what other people think about/of me. i'm not a bad person and i try to be helpful to people when i can. but in the same breath, i don't do things that are against "me" or my beliefs just to make someone like me. i'm not always the most popular person in the room because of it but at the end of the day - i can look in the mirror when i'm brushing my teeth and i can sleep at night (if i could sleep, i'd be sleeping).
my hubby makes stuff. he brings wood home and makes things. sometimes it's cool stuff - like our headboard that is made out of a church door or the adirondack chairs he makes out of recycled wood. sometimes, eh..not so much. of course i tell him if i like it or not..he always calls me a pain in the ass but he knows i'll tell him the truth. recently, he made this little corner fence for the corner of our property. like a little 2 ft long picket fence. he enjoyed making it and him and our littlest girl painted it. they had a really good time...especially when little pup made daddy where a frilly, ruffly apron to paint (i had little one wear her apron so she wouldn't get paint on her clothes). if i had to choose between keeping the fence up or taking it down....i'd probably take it down. i'm not a fan of it. but i know he liked making it and seeing him and #4 paint it was priceless. so there that little handmade corner picket fence sits.
i remember being at sears one day looking at clothes. at the time #4 was in between being in the little girl clothes and big-little girl clothes. i'm meandering around and i hear this little girl ask her mom if she can have this dress. mom says "no!! do you want to look like a scum bag?!" i couldn't see the little girl, but i can only assume she put the dress down because i didn't hear either one of them again. i actually have a sister in law who has that same attitude. it's sad to me that she's raising my nieces and nephew to think you're a better person if you wear nice clothes and have expensive toys (like the 4 year old having a $169 nintendo DS).
now, i know clothes and little picket fences aren't the same thing but i'm thinking....whose to say what is scum baggy? am i scum bag because hubby put his homemade picket fence on the corner? apparently in some circles i am. apparently, because i didn't spend $200 for handmade, one of a kind corner picket fence...i am less than_____.
sitting here, on break at school, i can tell you that besides me having a bad attitude and doing things because i want to and not caring what other people think - i am less scum bag than that lady is for not letting her little girl buy the dress she wanted. i made my hubby and my little girl happy because i smiled and told them their fence looked awesome! i am happy because they are happy.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
i'm sorry i let you down....
dear blog,
i didn't pass nursing 2 last fall. i did great in clinicals and was great with the patients, the instructors were positive in their evaluations of me....but...i didn't pass the final. not passing the final meant i didn't pass nursing 2. i was crushed. i cried. i swore. i blamed everything, everyone but myself (at the time had to deal with an impending removal of my womanhood and surgeries, now, scare the shit out of me) but eventually realized that maybe being a nurse wasn't really for me. it was a sad moment because for as long as i can remember i wanted to be a nurse. and my sweet poohead always kicked me in the butt when i felt overwhelmed and pushed me.
little girl dreams do not make grown up reality. especially when my little girl dream cost $4,000 for the semester i failed. after long and hard deliberation i decided i wouldn't retake nursing 2. i wouldn't try to be a nurse. if money were no object, i'd have done it agian and hired tutors and such. but money is an object and i really had no desire to fail again. cliche or not - failure is not an option.
so again, with my poohead's buttkicking (and blessing, i thought)i changed my major from nursing to liberal arts with a psychology concentration. i'll have my associate's degree mid december. that's a good thing. i checked bls.gov and psychology careers are expected to rise 18% in the next 8 years and they make good money. even had the idea that when i moved to get bachelor's and master's (down the road) that i'd minor in nutrition so i could help people who have eating disorders or where food is their enemy (don't ask).
well...the last few weeks, as i was preparing to start the new summer semester, excited as i can be to get my college education moving forward again - i'm feeling little jabs and small kicks in the balls here and there. "mom, i wish you'd finish nursing school like the mind reader said" or "tam, it'd be really nice if you were still in nursing school" or "it was nice telling people my mom was going to be a nurse"....stuff like that. today, it came to a head when we were in the car heading to shane's baseball game. they think i'm a loser (not their words) and that i give up and i can't follow through on anything. ::::bottom lip starts quivering::::
it makes me sad that i've let people down. i'm sorry. i wanted to be a nurse but if i can't do the work, i can't do it. i'm sorry i let you down. really, i am. i know that our livelihood will eventually depend on me to be formally educated. i promised that when our kids were big enough to not "need" me, we'd switch rolls and i'd work and you could focus on nurturing your business full time. i hope that our conversation has eased and soothed everyone's fears and worries. i just can't have the people i love the most keep chipping away at my already fragile esteem.
it will all work out, i promise it will. my final destination will be reached i just have to take a different path to get there. that's all. i will not let you down. i will make you proud of me!!
i didn't pass nursing 2 last fall. i did great in clinicals and was great with the patients, the instructors were positive in their evaluations of me....but...i didn't pass the final. not passing the final meant i didn't pass nursing 2. i was crushed. i cried. i swore. i blamed everything, everyone but myself (at the time had to deal with an impending removal of my womanhood and surgeries, now, scare the shit out of me) but eventually realized that maybe being a nurse wasn't really for me. it was a sad moment because for as long as i can remember i wanted to be a nurse. and my sweet poohead always kicked me in the butt when i felt overwhelmed and pushed me.
little girl dreams do not make grown up reality. especially when my little girl dream cost $4,000 for the semester i failed. after long and hard deliberation i decided i wouldn't retake nursing 2. i wouldn't try to be a nurse. if money were no object, i'd have done it agian and hired tutors and such. but money is an object and i really had no desire to fail again. cliche or not - failure is not an option.
so again, with my poohead's buttkicking (and blessing, i thought)i changed my major from nursing to liberal arts with a psychology concentration. i'll have my associate's degree mid december. that's a good thing. i checked bls.gov and psychology careers are expected to rise 18% in the next 8 years and they make good money. even had the idea that when i moved to get bachelor's and master's (down the road) that i'd minor in nutrition so i could help people who have eating disorders or where food is their enemy (don't ask).
well...the last few weeks, as i was preparing to start the new summer semester, excited as i can be to get my college education moving forward again - i'm feeling little jabs and small kicks in the balls here and there. "mom, i wish you'd finish nursing school like the mind reader said" or "tam, it'd be really nice if you were still in nursing school" or "it was nice telling people my mom was going to be a nurse"....stuff like that. today, it came to a head when we were in the car heading to shane's baseball game. they think i'm a loser (not their words) and that i give up and i can't follow through on anything. ::::bottom lip starts quivering::::
it makes me sad that i've let people down. i'm sorry. i wanted to be a nurse but if i can't do the work, i can't do it. i'm sorry i let you down. really, i am. i know that our livelihood will eventually depend on me to be formally educated. i promised that when our kids were big enough to not "need" me, we'd switch rolls and i'd work and you could focus on nurturing your business full time. i hope that our conversation has eased and soothed everyone's fears and worries. i just can't have the people i love the most keep chipping away at my already fragile esteem.
it will all work out, i promise it will. my final destination will be reached i just have to take a different path to get there. that's all. i will not let you down. i will make you proud of me!!
Friday, May 21, 2010
the american dream...or the american nightmare...?
dear blog, my husband (of 21 years) and i have never been good with money. neither of us is formerly educated so jobs are just that...jobs, not careers. although money has always been tight we always participated in 401k plans (because i can't keep money in an accessible savings account to save my life) and i've been incredibly blessed to be able to stay home and raise my children. we had to file bankruptcy once, not a finer moment in our lives and perhaps we didn't have to but it was to save our sanity. with a clean slate, a better understanding of how things like credit and credit scores work and a meager paycheck we sacrificed a lot until we could buy our first home. we lived in a trailer for 5 years, drove the shittiest of shitboxes and really...we lived within our means.
fast forward 5 years - with a high recommendation from people hubby did repeated work for we sought out and received mortgage help from one mr lincoln skein. they had done lots of business with mr skein. he was great - give him a try. okay, so we gave him a try. he told us we could afford a home upwards of $300,000. hmmm...are you sure about that mr skein? hubby drives a school bus part time and installs hardwood floors part time. oh no, no...$300,000 and all you need is $1,500 down payment.
thankfully, we had our wits about us and didn't carried away. i won't lie - a $300,000 house after living in a sweatbox, i mean trailer for 5 years sounded really, really good. but what we did was find a cute little, modest house in a village that we loved and it was only $91,000. well.....month after month after month we still had no closing. i'm really happy the house was a foreclosure cuz i'm sure if it had real owners and not a bank - we'd have lost the house. we needed this document and that document and proof of this and proof of that and we needed reprove this and that. over 3 months into the cluster fuck we said "thank you, but no thank you. we'll just wait until whatever was screwing us up was cleared up and try again later".
frustrated and hurt we went out and bought a new car. it was only a year old! ohhhh...it was so nice!! air conditioning, no plastic covering the busted out back window, the heat worked in the winter time, it was just so ducky.
then mr skein calls and says we got a closing in a few days bring your checkbook and this and that and your all done. wow..!!! really?!?! well, yes...really!! we closed on the house 7/25/2005. or at least we thought we did. we lived for a few years being really strained with money because we now had a car payment (something we wouldn't have bought if the house had gone through) and we had a house payment and taxes. omg taxes!!
fast forward to the fall 2007 - a whirlwind of health issues hit me and my husband. surgeries, constant pain & ill health, heart viruses that kept him from going back to work from september to january - we were fricken toast. we had to borrow (it was given to us) money to keep the house and car and i still wasn't healthy. life was truly a mess. we let the car get repossessed, which helped but not enough. november 2009 hubby lost his job, was unable to collect unemployment because his boss couldn't stand up for him like hubby stood up for him and kept him from losing his job (yes, i'm still angry) and we were fucked. really good too. we were on the verge of losing our american dream.
fast forward again to spring 2010 and the letter from the local tax collector. she sent the tax bill with a note asking "why aren't your names on the tax bill? why is a mortgage company listed? you are no longer able to collect the STAR rebate because your name isn't on record." what. the. fuck. totally confused and soooo feeling like things were going from bad to worse - we contacted a lawyer.
i love lawyers. and i hate lawyers. apparently mr skein took the money and ran as fast as he could. he's no where to be found. the title company is no where to be found...closed business and bailed, too. the lawyers never filed the deed, the mortgage and no one even has a deed to the house. it's gone. no paper trail. just us...squatting in someone elses house. it's so sad that it brings tears to my eye just typing this up. our american dream has turned into an american nightmare.
the lawyer is excited because in his 30 yrs of practicing law - he's never seen anything like this. he assures us this isn't our fault. we have done nothing wrong here. we got screwed. we've talked to family about our problem but they don't get it. they only say that we're lving here without paying on the mortgage. "if i didn't pay my mortgage, i'd get foreclosed on" like this is some kind of friggen joke. we say we went to a lawyer - they tell people we filed bankruptcy. as if anyone has to wonder why we distance ourselves from our families.
so...fast forward again, this time with an empty 401k because mr lawyer wants $10,000 (we're $3k short and making payments for the rest) but mr lawyer says he can get us our house back. even though the mortgage company has sued us to turn the house over. actually, they want us to turn the deed over, too. we can't, of course but that didn't stop them from suing us. mr lawyer says "don't do anything. don't talk to anyone, don't pay on anything, don't do anything." he's gonna get our house back! ( ihope) we have no savings anymore so if we have to move, we're fucked. hubby still isn't working full time - he chose to focus soley on starting his flooring business officially for at least year trying to cash in on not having to pay a mortgage bill. lving paycheck to paycheck would be a welcome thing right now...LOL
i guess if anything has come from this it's that i learned that you need tokeep your eyes open at all times. you need to be educated. ignorance is a shamefull thing..and a painful thing when it comes to losing your home and having to move your 4 children somewhere, anywhere because someone else made a mistake. it's awful. i only hope that i can finish up my associates degree and get a somewhat decent job before the house goes up in smoke, so we won't have to live in my really shitty suburban.
so welcome to my american nightmare. i live in a sweet, little, modest house and i feel as homeless as i would if we did have to live in my truck.
i have to admit, blog, that it feels good telling you this. hubby and i have talked it to death but i just need to get itout, ya know?
fast forward 5 years - with a high recommendation from people hubby did repeated work for we sought out and received mortgage help from one mr lincoln skein. they had done lots of business with mr skein. he was great - give him a try. okay, so we gave him a try. he told us we could afford a home upwards of $300,000. hmmm...are you sure about that mr skein? hubby drives a school bus part time and installs hardwood floors part time. oh no, no...$300,000 and all you need is $1,500 down payment.
thankfully, we had our wits about us and didn't carried away. i won't lie - a $300,000 house after living in a sweatbox, i mean trailer for 5 years sounded really, really good. but what we did was find a cute little, modest house in a village that we loved and it was only $91,000. well.....month after month after month we still had no closing. i'm really happy the house was a foreclosure cuz i'm sure if it had real owners and not a bank - we'd have lost the house. we needed this document and that document and proof of this and proof of that and we needed reprove this and that. over 3 months into the cluster fuck we said "thank you, but no thank you. we'll just wait until whatever was screwing us up was cleared up and try again later".
frustrated and hurt we went out and bought a new car. it was only a year old! ohhhh...it was so nice!! air conditioning, no plastic covering the busted out back window, the heat worked in the winter time, it was just so ducky.
then mr skein calls and says we got a closing in a few days bring your checkbook and this and that and your all done. wow..!!! really?!?! well, yes...really!! we closed on the house 7/25/2005. or at least we thought we did. we lived for a few years being really strained with money because we now had a car payment (something we wouldn't have bought if the house had gone through) and we had a house payment and taxes. omg taxes!!
fast forward to the fall 2007 - a whirlwind of health issues hit me and my husband. surgeries, constant pain & ill health, heart viruses that kept him from going back to work from september to january - we were fricken toast. we had to borrow (it was given to us) money to keep the house and car and i still wasn't healthy. life was truly a mess. we let the car get repossessed, which helped but not enough. november 2009 hubby lost his job, was unable to collect unemployment because his boss couldn't stand up for him like hubby stood up for him and kept him from losing his job (yes, i'm still angry) and we were fucked. really good too. we were on the verge of losing our american dream.
fast forward again to spring 2010 and the letter from the local tax collector. she sent the tax bill with a note asking "why aren't your names on the tax bill? why is a mortgage company listed? you are no longer able to collect the STAR rebate because your name isn't on record." what. the. fuck. totally confused and soooo feeling like things were going from bad to worse - we contacted a lawyer.
i love lawyers. and i hate lawyers. apparently mr skein took the money and ran as fast as he could. he's no where to be found. the title company is no where to be found...closed business and bailed, too. the lawyers never filed the deed, the mortgage and no one even has a deed to the house. it's gone. no paper trail. just us...squatting in someone elses house. it's so sad that it brings tears to my eye just typing this up. our american dream has turned into an american nightmare.
the lawyer is excited because in his 30 yrs of practicing law - he's never seen anything like this. he assures us this isn't our fault. we have done nothing wrong here. we got screwed. we've talked to family about our problem but they don't get it. they only say that we're lving here without paying on the mortgage. "if i didn't pay my mortgage, i'd get foreclosed on" like this is some kind of friggen joke. we say we went to a lawyer - they tell people we filed bankruptcy. as if anyone has to wonder why we distance ourselves from our families.
so...fast forward again, this time with an empty 401k because mr lawyer wants $10,000 (we're $3k short and making payments for the rest) but mr lawyer says he can get us our house back. even though the mortgage company has sued us to turn the house over. actually, they want us to turn the deed over, too. we can't, of course but that didn't stop them from suing us. mr lawyer says "don't do anything. don't talk to anyone, don't pay on anything, don't do anything." he's gonna get our house back! ( ihope) we have no savings anymore so if we have to move, we're fucked. hubby still isn't working full time - he chose to focus soley on starting his flooring business officially for at least year trying to cash in on not having to pay a mortgage bill. lving paycheck to paycheck would be a welcome thing right now...LOL
i guess if anything has come from this it's that i learned that you need tokeep your eyes open at all times. you need to be educated. ignorance is a shamefull thing..and a painful thing when it comes to losing your home and having to move your 4 children somewhere, anywhere because someone else made a mistake. it's awful. i only hope that i can finish up my associates degree and get a somewhat decent job before the house goes up in smoke, so we won't have to live in my really shitty suburban.
so welcome to my american nightmare. i live in a sweet, little, modest house and i feel as homeless as i would if we did have to live in my truck.
i have to admit, blog, that it feels good telling you this. hubby and i have talked it to death but i just need to get itout, ya know?
Thursday, May 20, 2010
back in school, can't sleep and i want to be a dr?
dear blog,
school started up this past monday. i'm taking 2 classes - short stories and contemporary drama. at this point in my changed college carreer (from nursing to liberal arts) all the classes i need are electives of my choice. sweet!! but summer pickins are slim and although i'm not too interested in contemporary drama - it's not a bad class. i get to read plays aloud and get a little bit of culture. i have decided though that i really like my psychology concentration and when i move on to earn my bachelor's degree it will be in the psychology field. i might even, how dare i even look this far into the future, but i might even shoot for my master's and phd and become a doctor. hmmm...what do you know about them apples....
it's just about hitting 1am and i can't sleep. i haven't actually tried yet but i'm not tired. my #2 daughter is having some drama - not adjusting well to the change in our socio-economic status (read that to mean she needs new jeans and there is just no money to buy them...lol) and last night #1 had issues with her impending graduation present (she's a big harry potter fan and we're taking her to orlando to visit the them part for her gift in lieu of a party). i really have a hard time relating to my girls when they're like this because as a child - i was not allowed to tell my mother i was unhappy with something or allowed to disagree. there was no dialogue, just the back of a hand or a slotted spoon. so needless to say i have no background knowledge on how to have a decent disagreements with my children. how do you raise kids the right way when your role models were shite? it's a huge bone of contention...really.
my cutie pie hubby just woke up so i think i'll end this now and and chat with him a few befre i try to go to bed.
school started up this past monday. i'm taking 2 classes - short stories and contemporary drama. at this point in my changed college carreer (from nursing to liberal arts) all the classes i need are electives of my choice. sweet!! but summer pickins are slim and although i'm not too interested in contemporary drama - it's not a bad class. i get to read plays aloud and get a little bit of culture. i have decided though that i really like my psychology concentration and when i move on to earn my bachelor's degree it will be in the psychology field. i might even, how dare i even look this far into the future, but i might even shoot for my master's and phd and become a doctor. hmmm...what do you know about them apples....
it's just about hitting 1am and i can't sleep. i haven't actually tried yet but i'm not tired. my #2 daughter is having some drama - not adjusting well to the change in our socio-economic status (read that to mean she needs new jeans and there is just no money to buy them...lol) and last night #1 had issues with her impending graduation present (she's a big harry potter fan and we're taking her to orlando to visit the them part for her gift in lieu of a party). i really have a hard time relating to my girls when they're like this because as a child - i was not allowed to tell my mother i was unhappy with something or allowed to disagree. there was no dialogue, just the back of a hand or a slotted spoon. so needless to say i have no background knowledge on how to have a decent disagreements with my children. how do you raise kids the right way when your role models were shite? it's a huge bone of contention...really.
my cutie pie hubby just woke up so i think i'll end this now and and chat with him a few befre i try to go to bed.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
ever re-read what you've written?
dear blog - it's not a good idea to re-read things you've written becuase you usually sound like an idiot and you see the need to delete stuff. what happens when you delete stuff is that you end up deleting that moment of time as well. you don't just get rid of the words, misspellings, idiotic musings - you lose that feeling...that time.
so i woke up in the middle of the night having had a horny dream. TODAY that sounds fkn stupid but apparently the day after it happened it was important enough to me to jot it down. so i spewed a bunch of crap about my mother and sister in an angry tirade (we're still not speaking) - seems silly today to whine like a 12 yr old girl but that day - it meant something to me...enough that i had to write it down.
moral of the story - if you said it once, even if it was in a moment of anger, lust, eupohoric happiness....you probably meant it so don't delete it.
so i woke up in the middle of the night having had a horny dream. TODAY that sounds fkn stupid but apparently the day after it happened it was important enough to me to jot it down. so i spewed a bunch of crap about my mother and sister in an angry tirade (we're still not speaking) - seems silly today to whine like a 12 yr old girl but that day - it meant something to me...enough that i had to write it down.
moral of the story - if you said it once, even if it was in a moment of anger, lust, eupohoric happiness....you probably meant it so don't delete it.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
what kind of fuckery is that...?
jensen ackles (aka dean winchester) just got married. oh. my. god. i love him! when i look at him, hear his voice - i just think.."this is the perfect man!"...if there was such a thing. he knows cars (saw him on a youtube vid talking about the impala on some fan circuit thing), he can play guitar and sing (again:saw a vid of him singing and playing guitar) and he's so stinkin' pretty. and tall. and has juicy thighs...and hands. all my favorite parts. mmmm.....
when i heard that jared padalecki (aka sam winchester) got married to "ruby" (don't know her real name) i was like - omg, they're so stinkin' cute together! i love it!
but upon hearing jensen was married - i was so...heartbroken(?).... and i wanted to shoot someone with rock salt. hehe get it? yeah, no you don't. it doesn't feel right for some reason.
and today, i'm googling for pictures of their wedding, just knowing someone leaked them and all i'm finding is that people think he's gay. what?
ok. deep breath.
i don't care if he's gay. who cares? i am highly saddened though that if he is gay, he A) married a girl knowing the marriage wouldn't work out (i've never been able to forgive elton john for being married 3 times knowing the whole time he was gay). and B) how sad that he thought he had to get married to prove his manhood. what kind of world do we live in?
and on top of that...it's only been recently (maybe last year or so) that i realized my sick fascination with dagget and norbert (the angry beavers) and that crazy dream about the 67 camaro breaking down and the angry beavers cumming...err...coming to my rescue were actually just sam and dean (jared and jensen) in the 67 impala. but the angry beavers were way before the winchesters so how could i have known? how could i have dreamt them?
so yes, i wish them all the best. marriage and starting a new life together is so special. i hope they remember their vows when something goes wrong or bad and i hope they're happy. just really happy.
when i heard that jared padalecki (aka sam winchester) got married to "ruby" (don't know her real name) i was like - omg, they're so stinkin' cute together! i love it!
but upon hearing jensen was married - i was so...heartbroken(?).... and i wanted to shoot someone with rock salt. hehe get it? yeah, no you don't. it doesn't feel right for some reason.
and today, i'm googling for pictures of their wedding, just knowing someone leaked them and all i'm finding is that people think he's gay. what?
ok. deep breath.
i don't care if he's gay. who cares? i am highly saddened though that if he is gay, he A) married a girl knowing the marriage wouldn't work out (i've never been able to forgive elton john for being married 3 times knowing the whole time he was gay). and B) how sad that he thought he had to get married to prove his manhood. what kind of world do we live in?
and on top of that...it's only been recently (maybe last year or so) that i realized my sick fascination with dagget and norbert (the angry beavers) and that crazy dream about the 67 camaro breaking down and the angry beavers cumming...err...coming to my rescue were actually just sam and dean (jared and jensen) in the 67 impala. but the angry beavers were way before the winchesters so how could i have known? how could i have dreamt them?
so yes, i wish them all the best. marriage and starting a new life together is so special. i hope they remember their vows when something goes wrong or bad and i hope they're happy. just really happy.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
breaking Breaking Dawn into two movies....?
dear blog,
I had read a little blurb on www.tmz.com (i think) regarding a little turmoil over the new Breaking Dawn movie. Apparently Kellen Lutz and Ashley Green won't do Breaking Dawn unless they get more money. Allegedly the believe they're worth more money than the uber popular Twilight Saga and Summit Entertainment are giving them.
AND....just like Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows (cough cough) - Summit, Stephanie Meyer, Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, et al have signed off on breaking Breaking Dawn up into two movies. You know....to stretch out Rob Pattinson's and Kristen Stewart's careers.
my thoughts....? well, cutting Kellen Lutz and Ashley Green because you don't want to pay them more money is pretty shitty. Summit replaced red-headed Victoria for whatever reasons but she's not a "vital" character in the movie/book. All you see of her anyway is a flash of curly, firey red hair - the face is just incidental. if you take Emmet and Alice out and replace them with some other face - there's gonna be some shite hitting the proverbial fan. yeah...they have small parts, aren't really THAT important to the story line and all we really wanna see is Edward and Bella get jiggy but they are, afterall, Cullens. You cannot take a Cullen and replace them. Period. Kellen and Ashely are actually, dare I say, talented young people. Summit...give 'em the money and cut the shite. Raping 12 yr old girls...I mean selling dolls and toilet paper of Twilight characters has given you beaucoup bucks. now share it with people who can actually act and not just the ones with pretty hair and immovable facial features.
secondly...breaking the final installment of the series into two movies, just like Harry Potter's last movie, is probably the only way Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart will have a well received movie. the twilight movies have obscenely successful for the two. their other movies...not so much. K-Stew is a pretty girl and she can act (better than I can anyway) but every movie I've ever seen her in- she has the same scream, same monotone voice, same body language, etc. She hasn't changed since she was 12 yrs old. and Robert Pattinson - ok...i'm not gonna lie. the boy is freakin' hot. he can sing to me and rock me to sleep any day of the damn week...but again, I've never seen him in anything where he actually knocks my socks off. If he weren't Edward Cullen - he'd be about as obscure as Courtney Love without Kurt Cobain.
although I'd hate to see the Twilight Saga drag on anymore than it has to (it's almost as droll as watching American Idol...which I don't do) I really think the only way...and I mean the ONLY way Rob and K-Stew will have lucrative careers is if they continue to play Edward and Bella until they're 90 years old.
i guess i can't blame stephanie meyer for wanting to milk her twilight saga for all it's worth. I mean, as far as i can see, and after reading her books...she's gonna need to because quite frankly...she fell into shit and came out popular, too.
I had read a little blurb on www.tmz.com (i think) regarding a little turmoil over the new Breaking Dawn movie. Apparently Kellen Lutz and Ashley Green won't do Breaking Dawn unless they get more money. Allegedly the believe they're worth more money than the uber popular Twilight Saga and Summit Entertainment are giving them.
AND....just like Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows (cough cough) - Summit, Stephanie Meyer, Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, et al have signed off on breaking Breaking Dawn up into two movies. You know....to stretch out Rob Pattinson's and Kristen Stewart's careers.
my thoughts....? well, cutting Kellen Lutz and Ashley Green because you don't want to pay them more money is pretty shitty. Summit replaced red-headed Victoria for whatever reasons but she's not a "vital" character in the movie/book. All you see of her anyway is a flash of curly, firey red hair - the face is just incidental. if you take Emmet and Alice out and replace them with some other face - there's gonna be some shite hitting the proverbial fan. yeah...they have small parts, aren't really THAT important to the story line and all we really wanna see is Edward and Bella get jiggy but they are, afterall, Cullens. You cannot take a Cullen and replace them. Period. Kellen and Ashely are actually, dare I say, talented young people. Summit...give 'em the money and cut the shite. Raping 12 yr old girls...I mean selling dolls and toilet paper of Twilight characters has given you beaucoup bucks. now share it with people who can actually act and not just the ones with pretty hair and immovable facial features.
secondly...breaking the final installment of the series into two movies, just like Harry Potter's last movie, is probably the only way Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart will have a well received movie. the twilight movies have obscenely successful for the two. their other movies...not so much. K-Stew is a pretty girl and she can act (better than I can anyway) but every movie I've ever seen her in- she has the same scream, same monotone voice, same body language, etc. She hasn't changed since she was 12 yrs old. and Robert Pattinson - ok...i'm not gonna lie. the boy is freakin' hot. he can sing to me and rock me to sleep any day of the damn week...but again, I've never seen him in anything where he actually knocks my socks off. If he weren't Edward Cullen - he'd be about as obscure as Courtney Love without Kurt Cobain.
although I'd hate to see the Twilight Saga drag on anymore than it has to (it's almost as droll as watching American Idol...which I don't do) I really think the only way...and I mean the ONLY way Rob and K-Stew will have lucrative careers is if they continue to play Edward and Bella until they're 90 years old.
i guess i can't blame stephanie meyer for wanting to milk her twilight saga for all it's worth. I mean, as far as i can see, and after reading her books...she's gonna need to because quite frankly...she fell into shit and came out popular, too.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
lady antebellum - i need you now (not the video, but the song)
dear blog,
i see some bands are too special to have their videos play on youtube (asses).
but, yeah.
i see some bands are too special to have their videos play on youtube (asses).
but, yeah.
Friday, April 23, 2010
dreamy masturbation
dear blog,
i don't remember eating chocolate before i went to bed but i did have a handful of potato chips dunked in malt vinegar.
ends with: he licks his fingers and says "i'll have you with me all day"
dude...wtf?
why can i only remember bits and pieces? lol dammit!!
i don't remember eating chocolate before i went to bed but i did have a handful of potato chips dunked in malt vinegar.
dude...wtf?
why can i only remember bits and pieces? lol dammit!!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
some people say, some people do
dear blog,
i guess i should start a bucket list. i'm 41 and don't have one. not that i'm gonna die or anything but i'm thinking it's time. a friend on facebook, a year younger than i am, is getting her motorcycle license. hubby bought her bike and a pink leather jacket. ugh! i guess that's why i'm writing this now.
if i had believed in a bucket list, getting my motorcycle license would have been high on the list. as well as my trucker's license and visiting london, paris, russia, getting tattoos, sexing up rick springfield and maynard james keenan, and seeing alcatraz. but i didn't (don't?) believe in bucket lists. i also don't believe in life/fate just happening and being part of some plan that i have no say in planning. it'll just happen one day, right? when the time is right...
so which is it - my fate will tell me when i get my motorcycle license or i put it on my list of things to do...sooner than later.
ahhh...that's it, isn't it? the old motorcycle license is floating around in the back of my head, like a cow in a tornado but i don't do anything about it. nope, i wait til an old high school friend, in her pink leather jacket and hubby gifted bike, talks about getting her license on facebook....then...then...i need to anchor my cow.
at the end of the day though - bucket list or not - some people say and some people do. question is - do i say (i want my motorcycle license) or do i do (i've got my motorcycle license). and when is too late to add something to this imaginary bucket list?
hmmm...maynard...? hehe
i guess i should start a bucket list. i'm 41 and don't have one. not that i'm gonna die or anything but i'm thinking it's time. a friend on facebook, a year younger than i am, is getting her motorcycle license. hubby bought her bike and a pink leather jacket. ugh! i guess that's why i'm writing this now.
if i had believed in a bucket list, getting my motorcycle license would have been high on the list. as well as my trucker's license and visiting london, paris, russia, getting tattoos, sexing up rick springfield and maynard james keenan, and seeing alcatraz. but i didn't (don't?) believe in bucket lists. i also don't believe in life/fate just happening and being part of some plan that i have no say in planning. it'll just happen one day, right? when the time is right...
so which is it - my fate will tell me when i get my motorcycle license or i put it on my list of things to do...sooner than later.
ahhh...that's it, isn't it? the old motorcycle license is floating around in the back of my head, like a cow in a tornado but i don't do anything about it. nope, i wait til an old high school friend, in her pink leather jacket and hubby gifted bike, talks about getting her license on facebook....then...then...i need to anchor my cow.
at the end of the day though - bucket list or not - some people say and some people do. question is - do i say (i want my motorcycle license) or do i do (i've got my motorcycle license). and when is too late to add something to this imaginary bucket list?
hmmm...maynard...? hehe
Saturday, April 3, 2010
i would love to love you, lover
dear blog - a donut made me frisky. it was the pudding.
aaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
aaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Friday, April 2, 2010
dirty laundry
dear blog:
when i was little my psychopathic, borderline bi-polar mother took us away from our biological father's family. she said it was because they all knew my father was physically abusing her and did nothing about it. i grew up without knowing my cousins, aunts and uncles and such. on either side of the family actually. my mother had figured out how to alienate everyone. this sister was a pig and a slob - we can't see them (to this day they call me "aunt judy" because i'm not a slave to my housework), this sister apparently had sexual relations with my father - we can't talk to her, the list just goes on and on about who screwed her over so we, as children, can't play with our cousins. i wasn't around when my half brother died in a car accident or when my grandfather had a stroke. granted, my bio-dad was an asshole (so i was told). abusive (so i was told) and didn't pay child support, etc. i was a little kid, i don't know about that stuff. i just knew my dad wasn't around, my grandma, who i love dearly and am sooooo thankful to have back in my love wasn't around, my big (half) sister judy - whose mom made us barbie clothes wasn't around, no one was around. of course mommy dearest gave us plenty of "uncles" - literally. then with her remarriage came a new dad and a new brother and 2 sisters...and we all hated each other. we moved around a lot...i mean a real lot and here we go again...moving. i hold a lot of ill feelings inside because of all this...it's hard to shake that stuff, ya know? unless you've lived it - you have no idea.
my sister is the spitting image of my mother. she has 5 kids without the benefit of marriage. a sociopath, a liar, a cheat, a welfare stealing scum bag. my mother always rags on my sister, mostly because she wants custody of her oldest daughter. call her names, talk behind her back, be sneaky and underhanded about your own flesh and blood just because of a sick obsession with a grandchild (my sister had to live my parents in the early years of raising my niece and this is where this unnatural relationship comes from). through all the name calling and belittling and tearing down of my sister's self esteem - my mother doesn't see she that she only learned it from the best.
after years and years of this kind love-hate relationship (mostly hate) - recent happenings in the family have made me FINALLY disown my mother and sister. i hate them both and i feel absolutely no remorse telling them to kiss off. none. it's been over a month and all i feel is freedom....like the shackles have removed and i can run. apparently, when there is that much hate and negativity and judging - sometimes it is really best to just cut the ties that bind and move on.
what happened was, after talking to my sister nearly every day and after just seeing my mother, i had to read on facebook that my niece, the one my parents obsess over, was being shipped from NC where she lived with her mother, mother's free-loading boyfriend and 4 siblings all under the age of 7. i read this on facebook. for real. i am a huge proponent of family sticking together. unless there is abuse there is no call for splitting a family up. ever. i also have no qualms (throwing bones my therapist calls it) of telling people when i think they're wrong. see...my mother always knocks my sister down and i tried so hard to prop her up. they beat her up so much emotionally, and have this really screwed up co-dependant relationship that no matter what i did i could make my sister understand that it was okay if they got evicted - keep the kids together. the one who should have moved out was mr. i have a bachelor's degree but i'd rather stay home and drink and play computer poker...not the 16 yr old girl. after trying to call and leaving emails telling my sister just how wrong she was and eventually getting so angry i wasn't getting a return call/email i eventually called her an unfit mother. a loser for selling her daughter to the highest bidder - in this case someone who could pay her security deposit for her new apartment and such.
i never spoke to my mother about it. even saw them at anotehr nieces b-day party and just made small talk. she knew i was ticked because she's tried to get my niece before and i foiled her plans. but i never said a word. then my sister, the drama queen calls my sister in laws house instead of her daughter's cell phone (just to make sure there were sufficient witnesses to what a douche bag i really was) and she proceeded to tell my niece, my mother, my brother and anyone who would listen that i called my niece names, i was jealous of her, i hated her, blah blah. i swear on my children i never said one negative word about my niece. i love her like she were my own child. but...instead of even asking me if any of what my sister said was true - they all believed her. this woman who lies, steals, cheats, stole from the government collecting unemployment insurance and welfare on one SSS # and working a parttime job on another - stealing her car (moving and not telling the loan company where she was), stealing furniture from the furniture rental place (again, not telling them that she was evicted and moving) - they believed what she said without giving me so much as one word to explain myself.
so i said fuck it. i'm done. i wrote one last email to my sister telling her she was dead to me. i was disappointed in her and i couldn't stand her. the next day i got an email back from my sister, only this time the email wreaked of my mother. my "sister" said things that only my knew about - they called me and my husband and my children scum bags, white trash, and said they were going to call child protective services because i don't keep a clean house. who does this? to family?
well, like i started this blog out - about my mother taking me away from my family members...now it was my turn to show her how it felt to lose family. not that she cared really - she got what she's wanted - a sick, twisted relationship with my niece. they honestly believe that she is their child. it's really sad.
i successfully put return to sender on a birthday card they sent me (i really want nothing to do with them) but then she ordered some kind of fruit/candy basket and had it delivered to my kids for easter. i hate her so much that my first inclination is to return that too, unopened with a big, fat fuck you on the box. how do i return to sender that?
i wanted to. but i didn't. although my kids are older than i was when i was taken away from my family and they already know how rotten their grandparents treat them without me having to fill their heads with stories (like the liable crap i heard about mine) - i don't feel it's my place to keep them from their grandparents. i sat them down and since we have no secrets in this house - they were told everything. my kids were never treated very nice by either set of grandparents (each had their favorite grandkid) but at least my parents faked it - christmas gifts, a birthday card..stuff like that. but my kids aren't stupid. when my niece is showing off the new laptop grandma bought, and the new iphone she got and my kids are opening a box of crayons - they see. even without me saying a word...which i never did. i never trash talk their grandparents in their presence if only because i knew what it was like to grow up hearing stuff. i let them make their own decisions, i always have and i always will.
i feel such a sense of relief and freedom having told my mother and sister that they are nothing to me, but here i am...still shackled to their bullshit because *I* feel like my kids shouldn't be treated like i was. what the hell?
and the funny thing is - since i told her i want nothing to do with her...she's tried to contact my kids more than she than she ever has. she even bought my oldest a laptop for christmas/graduation. it's probably because i told her she should be ashamed of herself for treating the rest of her grandkids like they were shit because they weren't her "favorite" grandkid....like they couldn't love more than one kid at a time. and it's not just my children..but my brother's children as well (like when my brother and sister lived right next door to each other and she drove passed my brothers house and went to my sisters. my brother would send his son over to my sisters just so he could at least see his grandparents. it's sad.)
it frustrates me. but i suppose i should be glad that i'm not like her and i don't understand how she can do the things she's done...because if i could, i'd be just as much of a loser as she is.
when i was little my psychopathic, borderline bi-polar mother took us away from our biological father's family. she said it was because they all knew my father was physically abusing her and did nothing about it. i grew up without knowing my cousins, aunts and uncles and such. on either side of the family actually. my mother had figured out how to alienate everyone. this sister was a pig and a slob - we can't see them (to this day they call me "aunt judy" because i'm not a slave to my housework), this sister apparently had sexual relations with my father - we can't talk to her, the list just goes on and on about who screwed her over so we, as children, can't play with our cousins. i wasn't around when my half brother died in a car accident or when my grandfather had a stroke. granted, my bio-dad was an asshole (so i was told). abusive (so i was told) and didn't pay child support, etc. i was a little kid, i don't know about that stuff. i just knew my dad wasn't around, my grandma, who i love dearly and am sooooo thankful to have back in my love wasn't around, my big (half) sister judy - whose mom made us barbie clothes wasn't around, no one was around. of course mommy dearest gave us plenty of "uncles" - literally. then with her remarriage came a new dad and a new brother and 2 sisters...and we all hated each other. we moved around a lot...i mean a real lot and here we go again...moving. i hold a lot of ill feelings inside because of all this...it's hard to shake that stuff, ya know? unless you've lived it - you have no idea.
my sister is the spitting image of my mother. she has 5 kids without the benefit of marriage. a sociopath, a liar, a cheat, a welfare stealing scum bag. my mother always rags on my sister, mostly because she wants custody of her oldest daughter. call her names, talk behind her back, be sneaky and underhanded about your own flesh and blood just because of a sick obsession with a grandchild (my sister had to live my parents in the early years of raising my niece and this is where this unnatural relationship comes from). through all the name calling and belittling and tearing down of my sister's self esteem - my mother doesn't see she that she only learned it from the best.
after years and years of this kind love-hate relationship (mostly hate) - recent happenings in the family have made me FINALLY disown my mother and sister. i hate them both and i feel absolutely no remorse telling them to kiss off. none. it's been over a month and all i feel is freedom....like the shackles have removed and i can run. apparently, when there is that much hate and negativity and judging - sometimes it is really best to just cut the ties that bind and move on.
what happened was, after talking to my sister nearly every day and after just seeing my mother, i had to read on facebook that my niece, the one my parents obsess over, was being shipped from NC where she lived with her mother, mother's free-loading boyfriend and 4 siblings all under the age of 7. i read this on facebook. for real. i am a huge proponent of family sticking together. unless there is abuse there is no call for splitting a family up. ever. i also have no qualms (throwing bones my therapist calls it) of telling people when i think they're wrong. see...my mother always knocks my sister down and i tried so hard to prop her up. they beat her up so much emotionally, and have this really screwed up co-dependant relationship that no matter what i did i could make my sister understand that it was okay if they got evicted - keep the kids together. the one who should have moved out was mr. i have a bachelor's degree but i'd rather stay home and drink and play computer poker...not the 16 yr old girl. after trying to call and leaving emails telling my sister just how wrong she was and eventually getting so angry i wasn't getting a return call/email i eventually called her an unfit mother. a loser for selling her daughter to the highest bidder - in this case someone who could pay her security deposit for her new apartment and such.
i never spoke to my mother about it. even saw them at anotehr nieces b-day party and just made small talk. she knew i was ticked because she's tried to get my niece before and i foiled her plans. but i never said a word. then my sister, the drama queen calls my sister in laws house instead of her daughter's cell phone (just to make sure there were sufficient witnesses to what a douche bag i really was) and she proceeded to tell my niece, my mother, my brother and anyone who would listen that i called my niece names, i was jealous of her, i hated her, blah blah. i swear on my children i never said one negative word about my niece. i love her like she were my own child. but...instead of even asking me if any of what my sister said was true - they all believed her. this woman who lies, steals, cheats, stole from the government collecting unemployment insurance and welfare on one SSS # and working a parttime job on another - stealing her car (moving and not telling the loan company where she was), stealing furniture from the furniture rental place (again, not telling them that she was evicted and moving) - they believed what she said without giving me so much as one word to explain myself.
so i said fuck it. i'm done. i wrote one last email to my sister telling her she was dead to me. i was disappointed in her and i couldn't stand her. the next day i got an email back from my sister, only this time the email wreaked of my mother. my "sister" said things that only my knew about - they called me and my husband and my children scum bags, white trash, and said they were going to call child protective services because i don't keep a clean house. who does this? to family?
well, like i started this blog out - about my mother taking me away from my family members...now it was my turn to show her how it felt to lose family. not that she cared really - she got what she's wanted - a sick, twisted relationship with my niece. they honestly believe that she is their child. it's really sad.
i successfully put return to sender on a birthday card they sent me (i really want nothing to do with them) but then she ordered some kind of fruit/candy basket and had it delivered to my kids for easter. i hate her so much that my first inclination is to return that too, unopened with a big, fat fuck you on the box. how do i return to sender that?
i wanted to. but i didn't. although my kids are older than i was when i was taken away from my family and they already know how rotten their grandparents treat them without me having to fill their heads with stories (like the liable crap i heard about mine) - i don't feel it's my place to keep them from their grandparents. i sat them down and since we have no secrets in this house - they were told everything. my kids were never treated very nice by either set of grandparents (each had their favorite grandkid) but at least my parents faked it - christmas gifts, a birthday card..stuff like that. but my kids aren't stupid. when my niece is showing off the new laptop grandma bought, and the new iphone she got and my kids are opening a box of crayons - they see. even without me saying a word...which i never did. i never trash talk their grandparents in their presence if only because i knew what it was like to grow up hearing stuff. i let them make their own decisions, i always have and i always will.
i feel such a sense of relief and freedom having told my mother and sister that they are nothing to me, but here i am...still shackled to their bullshit because *I* feel like my kids shouldn't be treated like i was. what the hell?
and the funny thing is - since i told her i want nothing to do with her...she's tried to contact my kids more than she than she ever has. she even bought my oldest a laptop for christmas/graduation. it's probably because i told her she should be ashamed of herself for treating the rest of her grandkids like they were shit because they weren't her "favorite" grandkid....like they couldn't love more than one kid at a time. and it's not just my children..but my brother's children as well (like when my brother and sister lived right next door to each other and she drove passed my brothers house and went to my sisters. my brother would send his son over to my sisters just so he could at least see his grandparents. it's sad.)
it frustrates me. but i suppose i should be glad that i'm not like her and i don't understand how she can do the things she's done...because if i could, i'd be just as much of a loser as she is.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
not diggin' it....
I'm not new to blogging...even on blogspot. I've had several blogs here and deleted several blogs. but never have i used my own name or had a blog name removed for some imagined TOS violation. wtf? my name is MY name. it was used on an old blog and it's been deleted ions ago and it wasn't even here on blogspot...so why can't i use my own name? and there is nothing terms of servicey about "orphaned blogger" for christmas sake. gah!! so needless to say my name and the other blog name i made up are floating around in space and i can't access them. and i don't like feeling orphaned...even if it is only for bloggings sake. (wow, that should be another blog, huh?)
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