dear blog,
i see some bands are too special to have their videos play on youtube (asses).
but, yeah.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
dreamy masturbation
dear blog,
i don't remember eating chocolate before i went to bed but i did have a handful of potato chips dunked in malt vinegar.
ends with: he licks his fingers and says "i'll have you with me all day"
dude...wtf?
why can i only remember bits and pieces? lol dammit!!
i don't remember eating chocolate before i went to bed but i did have a handful of potato chips dunked in malt vinegar.
dude...wtf?
why can i only remember bits and pieces? lol dammit!!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
some people say, some people do
dear blog,
i guess i should start a bucket list. i'm 41 and don't have one. not that i'm gonna die or anything but i'm thinking it's time. a friend on facebook, a year younger than i am, is getting her motorcycle license. hubby bought her bike and a pink leather jacket. ugh! i guess that's why i'm writing this now.
if i had believed in a bucket list, getting my motorcycle license would have been high on the list. as well as my trucker's license and visiting london, paris, russia, getting tattoos, sexing up rick springfield and maynard james keenan, and seeing alcatraz. but i didn't (don't?) believe in bucket lists. i also don't believe in life/fate just happening and being part of some plan that i have no say in planning. it'll just happen one day, right? when the time is right...
so which is it - my fate will tell me when i get my motorcycle license or i put it on my list of things to do...sooner than later.
ahhh...that's it, isn't it? the old motorcycle license is floating around in the back of my head, like a cow in a tornado but i don't do anything about it. nope, i wait til an old high school friend, in her pink leather jacket and hubby gifted bike, talks about getting her license on facebook....then...then...i need to anchor my cow.
at the end of the day though - bucket list or not - some people say and some people do. question is - do i say (i want my motorcycle license) or do i do (i've got my motorcycle license). and when is too late to add something to this imaginary bucket list?
hmmm...maynard...? hehe
i guess i should start a bucket list. i'm 41 and don't have one. not that i'm gonna die or anything but i'm thinking it's time. a friend on facebook, a year younger than i am, is getting her motorcycle license. hubby bought her bike and a pink leather jacket. ugh! i guess that's why i'm writing this now.
if i had believed in a bucket list, getting my motorcycle license would have been high on the list. as well as my trucker's license and visiting london, paris, russia, getting tattoos, sexing up rick springfield and maynard james keenan, and seeing alcatraz. but i didn't (don't?) believe in bucket lists. i also don't believe in life/fate just happening and being part of some plan that i have no say in planning. it'll just happen one day, right? when the time is right...
so which is it - my fate will tell me when i get my motorcycle license or i put it on my list of things to do...sooner than later.
ahhh...that's it, isn't it? the old motorcycle license is floating around in the back of my head, like a cow in a tornado but i don't do anything about it. nope, i wait til an old high school friend, in her pink leather jacket and hubby gifted bike, talks about getting her license on facebook....then...then...i need to anchor my cow.
at the end of the day though - bucket list or not - some people say and some people do. question is - do i say (i want my motorcycle license) or do i do (i've got my motorcycle license). and when is too late to add something to this imaginary bucket list?
hmmm...maynard...? hehe
Saturday, April 3, 2010
i would love to love you, lover
dear blog - a donut made me frisky. it was the pudding.
aaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
aaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Friday, April 2, 2010
dirty laundry
dear blog:
when i was little my psychopathic, borderline bi-polar mother took us away from our biological father's family. she said it was because they all knew my father was physically abusing her and did nothing about it. i grew up without knowing my cousins, aunts and uncles and such. on either side of the family actually. my mother had figured out how to alienate everyone. this sister was a pig and a slob - we can't see them (to this day they call me "aunt judy" because i'm not a slave to my housework), this sister apparently had sexual relations with my father - we can't talk to her, the list just goes on and on about who screwed her over so we, as children, can't play with our cousins. i wasn't around when my half brother died in a car accident or when my grandfather had a stroke. granted, my bio-dad was an asshole (so i was told). abusive (so i was told) and didn't pay child support, etc. i was a little kid, i don't know about that stuff. i just knew my dad wasn't around, my grandma, who i love dearly and am sooooo thankful to have back in my love wasn't around, my big (half) sister judy - whose mom made us barbie clothes wasn't around, no one was around. of course mommy dearest gave us plenty of "uncles" - literally. then with her remarriage came a new dad and a new brother and 2 sisters...and we all hated each other. we moved around a lot...i mean a real lot and here we go again...moving. i hold a lot of ill feelings inside because of all this...it's hard to shake that stuff, ya know? unless you've lived it - you have no idea.
my sister is the spitting image of my mother. she has 5 kids without the benefit of marriage. a sociopath, a liar, a cheat, a welfare stealing scum bag. my mother always rags on my sister, mostly because she wants custody of her oldest daughter. call her names, talk behind her back, be sneaky and underhanded about your own flesh and blood just because of a sick obsession with a grandchild (my sister had to live my parents in the early years of raising my niece and this is where this unnatural relationship comes from). through all the name calling and belittling and tearing down of my sister's self esteem - my mother doesn't see she that she only learned it from the best.
after years and years of this kind love-hate relationship (mostly hate) - recent happenings in the family have made me FINALLY disown my mother and sister. i hate them both and i feel absolutely no remorse telling them to kiss off. none. it's been over a month and all i feel is freedom....like the shackles have removed and i can run. apparently, when there is that much hate and negativity and judging - sometimes it is really best to just cut the ties that bind and move on.
what happened was, after talking to my sister nearly every day and after just seeing my mother, i had to read on facebook that my niece, the one my parents obsess over, was being shipped from NC where she lived with her mother, mother's free-loading boyfriend and 4 siblings all under the age of 7. i read this on facebook. for real. i am a huge proponent of family sticking together. unless there is abuse there is no call for splitting a family up. ever. i also have no qualms (throwing bones my therapist calls it) of telling people when i think they're wrong. see...my mother always knocks my sister down and i tried so hard to prop her up. they beat her up so much emotionally, and have this really screwed up co-dependant relationship that no matter what i did i could make my sister understand that it was okay if they got evicted - keep the kids together. the one who should have moved out was mr. i have a bachelor's degree but i'd rather stay home and drink and play computer poker...not the 16 yr old girl. after trying to call and leaving emails telling my sister just how wrong she was and eventually getting so angry i wasn't getting a return call/email i eventually called her an unfit mother. a loser for selling her daughter to the highest bidder - in this case someone who could pay her security deposit for her new apartment and such.
i never spoke to my mother about it. even saw them at anotehr nieces b-day party and just made small talk. she knew i was ticked because she's tried to get my niece before and i foiled her plans. but i never said a word. then my sister, the drama queen calls my sister in laws house instead of her daughter's cell phone (just to make sure there were sufficient witnesses to what a douche bag i really was) and she proceeded to tell my niece, my mother, my brother and anyone who would listen that i called my niece names, i was jealous of her, i hated her, blah blah. i swear on my children i never said one negative word about my niece. i love her like she were my own child. but...instead of even asking me if any of what my sister said was true - they all believed her. this woman who lies, steals, cheats, stole from the government collecting unemployment insurance and welfare on one SSS # and working a parttime job on another - stealing her car (moving and not telling the loan company where she was), stealing furniture from the furniture rental place (again, not telling them that she was evicted and moving) - they believed what she said without giving me so much as one word to explain myself.
so i said fuck it. i'm done. i wrote one last email to my sister telling her she was dead to me. i was disappointed in her and i couldn't stand her. the next day i got an email back from my sister, only this time the email wreaked of my mother. my "sister" said things that only my knew about - they called me and my husband and my children scum bags, white trash, and said they were going to call child protective services because i don't keep a clean house. who does this? to family?
well, like i started this blog out - about my mother taking me away from my family members...now it was my turn to show her how it felt to lose family. not that she cared really - she got what she's wanted - a sick, twisted relationship with my niece. they honestly believe that she is their child. it's really sad.
i successfully put return to sender on a birthday card they sent me (i really want nothing to do with them) but then she ordered some kind of fruit/candy basket and had it delivered to my kids for easter. i hate her so much that my first inclination is to return that too, unopened with a big, fat fuck you on the box. how do i return to sender that?
i wanted to. but i didn't. although my kids are older than i was when i was taken away from my family and they already know how rotten their grandparents treat them without me having to fill their heads with stories (like the liable crap i heard about mine) - i don't feel it's my place to keep them from their grandparents. i sat them down and since we have no secrets in this house - they were told everything. my kids were never treated very nice by either set of grandparents (each had their favorite grandkid) but at least my parents faked it - christmas gifts, a birthday card..stuff like that. but my kids aren't stupid. when my niece is showing off the new laptop grandma bought, and the new iphone she got and my kids are opening a box of crayons - they see. even without me saying a word...which i never did. i never trash talk their grandparents in their presence if only because i knew what it was like to grow up hearing stuff. i let them make their own decisions, i always have and i always will.
i feel such a sense of relief and freedom having told my mother and sister that they are nothing to me, but here i am...still shackled to their bullshit because *I* feel like my kids shouldn't be treated like i was. what the hell?
and the funny thing is - since i told her i want nothing to do with her...she's tried to contact my kids more than she than she ever has. she even bought my oldest a laptop for christmas/graduation. it's probably because i told her she should be ashamed of herself for treating the rest of her grandkids like they were shit because they weren't her "favorite" grandkid....like they couldn't love more than one kid at a time. and it's not just my children..but my brother's children as well (like when my brother and sister lived right next door to each other and she drove passed my brothers house and went to my sisters. my brother would send his son over to my sisters just so he could at least see his grandparents. it's sad.)
it frustrates me. but i suppose i should be glad that i'm not like her and i don't understand how she can do the things she's done...because if i could, i'd be just as much of a loser as she is.
when i was little my psychopathic, borderline bi-polar mother took us away from our biological father's family. she said it was because they all knew my father was physically abusing her and did nothing about it. i grew up without knowing my cousins, aunts and uncles and such. on either side of the family actually. my mother had figured out how to alienate everyone. this sister was a pig and a slob - we can't see them (to this day they call me "aunt judy" because i'm not a slave to my housework), this sister apparently had sexual relations with my father - we can't talk to her, the list just goes on and on about who screwed her over so we, as children, can't play with our cousins. i wasn't around when my half brother died in a car accident or when my grandfather had a stroke. granted, my bio-dad was an asshole (so i was told). abusive (so i was told) and didn't pay child support, etc. i was a little kid, i don't know about that stuff. i just knew my dad wasn't around, my grandma, who i love dearly and am sooooo thankful to have back in my love wasn't around, my big (half) sister judy - whose mom made us barbie clothes wasn't around, no one was around. of course mommy dearest gave us plenty of "uncles" - literally. then with her remarriage came a new dad and a new brother and 2 sisters...and we all hated each other. we moved around a lot...i mean a real lot and here we go again...moving. i hold a lot of ill feelings inside because of all this...it's hard to shake that stuff, ya know? unless you've lived it - you have no idea.
my sister is the spitting image of my mother. she has 5 kids without the benefit of marriage. a sociopath, a liar, a cheat, a welfare stealing scum bag. my mother always rags on my sister, mostly because she wants custody of her oldest daughter. call her names, talk behind her back, be sneaky and underhanded about your own flesh and blood just because of a sick obsession with a grandchild (my sister had to live my parents in the early years of raising my niece and this is where this unnatural relationship comes from). through all the name calling and belittling and tearing down of my sister's self esteem - my mother doesn't see she that she only learned it from the best.
after years and years of this kind love-hate relationship (mostly hate) - recent happenings in the family have made me FINALLY disown my mother and sister. i hate them both and i feel absolutely no remorse telling them to kiss off. none. it's been over a month and all i feel is freedom....like the shackles have removed and i can run. apparently, when there is that much hate and negativity and judging - sometimes it is really best to just cut the ties that bind and move on.
what happened was, after talking to my sister nearly every day and after just seeing my mother, i had to read on facebook that my niece, the one my parents obsess over, was being shipped from NC where she lived with her mother, mother's free-loading boyfriend and 4 siblings all under the age of 7. i read this on facebook. for real. i am a huge proponent of family sticking together. unless there is abuse there is no call for splitting a family up. ever. i also have no qualms (throwing bones my therapist calls it) of telling people when i think they're wrong. see...my mother always knocks my sister down and i tried so hard to prop her up. they beat her up so much emotionally, and have this really screwed up co-dependant relationship that no matter what i did i could make my sister understand that it was okay if they got evicted - keep the kids together. the one who should have moved out was mr. i have a bachelor's degree but i'd rather stay home and drink and play computer poker...not the 16 yr old girl. after trying to call and leaving emails telling my sister just how wrong she was and eventually getting so angry i wasn't getting a return call/email i eventually called her an unfit mother. a loser for selling her daughter to the highest bidder - in this case someone who could pay her security deposit for her new apartment and such.
i never spoke to my mother about it. even saw them at anotehr nieces b-day party and just made small talk. she knew i was ticked because she's tried to get my niece before and i foiled her plans. but i never said a word. then my sister, the drama queen calls my sister in laws house instead of her daughter's cell phone (just to make sure there were sufficient witnesses to what a douche bag i really was) and she proceeded to tell my niece, my mother, my brother and anyone who would listen that i called my niece names, i was jealous of her, i hated her, blah blah. i swear on my children i never said one negative word about my niece. i love her like she were my own child. but...instead of even asking me if any of what my sister said was true - they all believed her. this woman who lies, steals, cheats, stole from the government collecting unemployment insurance and welfare on one SSS # and working a parttime job on another - stealing her car (moving and not telling the loan company where she was), stealing furniture from the furniture rental place (again, not telling them that she was evicted and moving) - they believed what she said without giving me so much as one word to explain myself.
so i said fuck it. i'm done. i wrote one last email to my sister telling her she was dead to me. i was disappointed in her and i couldn't stand her. the next day i got an email back from my sister, only this time the email wreaked of my mother. my "sister" said things that only my knew about - they called me and my husband and my children scum bags, white trash, and said they were going to call child protective services because i don't keep a clean house. who does this? to family?
well, like i started this blog out - about my mother taking me away from my family members...now it was my turn to show her how it felt to lose family. not that she cared really - she got what she's wanted - a sick, twisted relationship with my niece. they honestly believe that she is their child. it's really sad.
i successfully put return to sender on a birthday card they sent me (i really want nothing to do with them) but then she ordered some kind of fruit/candy basket and had it delivered to my kids for easter. i hate her so much that my first inclination is to return that too, unopened with a big, fat fuck you on the box. how do i return to sender that?
i wanted to. but i didn't. although my kids are older than i was when i was taken away from my family and they already know how rotten their grandparents treat them without me having to fill their heads with stories (like the liable crap i heard about mine) - i don't feel it's my place to keep them from their grandparents. i sat them down and since we have no secrets in this house - they were told everything. my kids were never treated very nice by either set of grandparents (each had their favorite grandkid) but at least my parents faked it - christmas gifts, a birthday card..stuff like that. but my kids aren't stupid. when my niece is showing off the new laptop grandma bought, and the new iphone she got and my kids are opening a box of crayons - they see. even without me saying a word...which i never did. i never trash talk their grandparents in their presence if only because i knew what it was like to grow up hearing stuff. i let them make their own decisions, i always have and i always will.
i feel such a sense of relief and freedom having told my mother and sister that they are nothing to me, but here i am...still shackled to their bullshit because *I* feel like my kids shouldn't be treated like i was. what the hell?
and the funny thing is - since i told her i want nothing to do with her...she's tried to contact my kids more than she than she ever has. she even bought my oldest a laptop for christmas/graduation. it's probably because i told her she should be ashamed of herself for treating the rest of her grandkids like they were shit because they weren't her "favorite" grandkid....like they couldn't love more than one kid at a time. and it's not just my children..but my brother's children as well (like when my brother and sister lived right next door to each other and she drove passed my brothers house and went to my sisters. my brother would send his son over to my sisters just so he could at least see his grandparents. it's sad.)
it frustrates me. but i suppose i should be glad that i'm not like her and i don't understand how she can do the things she's done...because if i could, i'd be just as much of a loser as she is.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
not diggin' it....
I'm not new to blogging...even on blogspot. I've had several blogs here and deleted several blogs. but never have i used my own name or had a blog name removed for some imagined TOS violation. wtf? my name is MY name. it was used on an old blog and it's been deleted ions ago and it wasn't even here on blogspot...so why can't i use my own name? and there is nothing terms of servicey about "orphaned blogger" for christmas sake. gah!! so needless to say my name and the other blog name i made up are floating around in space and i can't access them. and i don't like feeling orphaned...even if it is only for bloggings sake. (wow, that should be another blog, huh?)
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