i'm sorry i let you down....

dear blog,

i didn't pass nursing 2 last fall. i did great in clinicals and was great with the patients, the instructors were positive in their evaluations of me....but...i didn't pass the final. not passing the final meant i didn't pass nursing 2. i was crushed. i cried. i swore. i blamed everything, everyone but myself (at the time had to deal with an impending removal of my womanhood and surgeries, now, scare the shit out of me) but eventually realized that maybe being a nurse wasn't really for me. it was a sad moment because for as long as i can remember i wanted to be a nurse. and my sweet poohead always kicked me in the butt when i felt overwhelmed and pushed me.

little girl dreams do not make grown up reality. especially when my little girl dream cost $4,000 for the semester i failed. after long and hard deliberation i decided i wouldn't retake nursing 2. i wouldn't try to be a nurse. if money were no object, i'd have done it agian and hired tutors and such. but money is an object and i really had no desire to fail again. cliche or not - failure is not an option.

so again, with my poohead's buttkicking (and blessing, i thought)i changed my major from nursing to liberal arts with a psychology concentration. i'll have my associate's degree mid december. that's a good thing. i checked bls.gov and psychology careers are expected to rise 18% in the next 8 years and they make good money. even had the idea that when i moved to get bachelor's and master's (down the road) that i'd minor in nutrition so i could help people who have eating disorders or where food is their enemy (don't ask).

well...the last few weeks, as i was preparing to start the new summer semester, excited as i can be to get my college education moving forward again - i'm feeling little jabs and small kicks in the balls here and there. "mom, i wish you'd finish nursing school like the mind reader said" or "tam, it'd be really nice if you were still in nursing school" or "it was nice telling people my mom was going to be a nurse"....stuff like that. today, it came to a head when we were in the car heading to shane's baseball game. they think i'm a loser (not their words) and that i give up and i can't follow through on anything. ::::bottom lip starts quivering::::

it makes me sad that i've let people down. i'm sorry. i wanted to be a nurse but if i can't do the work, i can't do it. i'm sorry i let you down. really, i am. i know that our livelihood will eventually depend on me to be formally educated. i promised that when our kids were big enough to not "need" me, we'd switch rolls and i'd work and you could focus on nurturing your business full time. i hope that our conversation has eased and soothed everyone's fears and worries. i just can't have the people i love the most keep chipping away at my already fragile esteem.

it will all work out, i promise it will. my final destination will be reached i just have to take a different path to get there. that's all. i will not let you down. i will make you proud of me!!